A Few Good Birds

Another budding bird family moved in to the corner above our front door. We didn’t even have time to take the old nest down and scrape off all of the bird crap. Those birds came in and just built another nest right on top of the last crap-filled one. I’m not one to judge, but just between you and me, that’s pretty ghetto.

And then they promptly started flying at my head every time I walked in or out of my door just like our last bird neighbors. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I was raised to be more neighborly than that. If you move into a new neighborhood, you wave at your neighbor, smile, say hello, introduce yourself. You don’t dive bomb them and then crap on their doorstep. I try not to crap on anyone’s doorstep, neighbor or not. That’s just common courtesy. Am I right? I mean who is raising these birds?

Naturally I complained to Hubs about the situation. I was just venting, you understand. But of course Hubs was upset about it. He found it unacceptable. Nobody treats his wife like that. He’s very protective. It’s sweet, really. I felt vindicated and forgot about the whole matter.

Then not long after our conversation I came home to find the bird’s nest above our door gone. In its place was a large rock. Only the bird crap remained as evidence of our former neighbors.

While I was pleased to approach my door without a Hitchcockian scene, I was also concerned for the birds’ welfare. I asked Hubs about it, but he gave me the Jack Nicholson “You can’t handle the truth” look and I dropped the subject.

“We live in a world that has birds. And those birds need to be dealt with by men with guns.” (image via jack-nicholson.info)

Did I inadvertently request a Code Red on some harmless, albeit obnoxious feathered friends? That was certainly not my intention. I was just venting. I wasn’t calling for street justice.

I’m a bleeding heart liberal and pacifist. Mostly. I was a vegetarian for six years. Sure I eat beef now, but I’m pretty sure the cows I eat are horribly depressed and longing to be thrown on a grill. I would never eat cows who had plans for the future. Nor would I call for violence against unborn birds who were simply a bi-product of irresponsible parenting. I would rather see those birds go into some sort of youth mentoring program, so that they could become productive members of our society. Or the food chain.

Then again, I don’t know for sure that Hubs harmed those eggs. There’s no concrete evidence to support that conclusion. I haven’t been contacted by PETA or an animal advocate. If there were any wrong doing surely Pamela Anderson would be on it. She handled the whole Kentucky Fried Chicken protest against chickens being inhumanely fried. In Kentucky. Or something. I’m fuzzy on the details but I think she’s looking out for chickens and birds everywhere, so chances are she’d be knocking on our door if those birds were unjustly treated.

Having a buxom blond with a camel toe show up in your establishment isn’t really punishment and in fact might encourage animal cruelty. (image via gossipbay.net)

Besides, Hubs is an animal lover. I’ve seen him affectionately care for dogs, cats and small, feral children. And he is extremely tender with the eggs he uses to make his omelets.

I think I overreacted. I bet those bird eggs are on a farm somewhere. Or in a bird sanctuary. He just didn’t want to tell me because then I would want to go see them and he probably didn’t have enough gas in the car. Gas prices are outrageous right now. And the economy is sluggish. His silence was probably born out of economic reasons. Not moral ones.

The birds are fine, which is a relief…

because I complained about the raccoons too.

“Ruh Roh.” (image via dreamstime.com)


10 thoughts on “A Few Good Birds

  1. Allaire says:

    Someday I want to visit that “Farm” that all these wonderful animals go to. What good people must live there to take care of them all.

  2. Bird says:

    OMG!! My head would completely explode….we had some birds do this same thing to our porch when we lived in San Antonio. After several generations of them returning, the apartment management annihilated the little next, with newborn babies in it, and I was so pissed off I think the maintenance man left the country. …Yeah. The farm… 🙂

    • Birds love our house. We’ve had nests all over. The kids love it. Luckily they haven’t noticed the rock that took the nest’s place because I’m not sure I could sell the farm idea to them–they’re smarter than me;-)
      My lesson: never complain about wild animals to a military man unless you can live with the consequences.

  3. James says:

    One Davy Crocket hat comin’ right up. 🙂 (Again, I’m really likin’ this Hubs dude. Remind me to buy him a beer.)

  4. […] A Few Good Birds (fatheadfollies.com) […]

  5. Kathy V. says:

    Ooooh, I would cry. I really hope that your Hubs sent the baby birdies to a nice farm, but I suspect that he actually sent them to ‘a better place,’ which is code AND I UNDERSTAND CODE YOU KNOW. Sad.

    • Why is it that code never represents anything good? I keep hoping to spot that nest in one of the hedges around the house. Hope springs eternal even for a pragmatic woman such as I.

  6. Birds shitting on your front porch is unacceptable. No matter how cute they are. I say well-done Hubs. =p

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