What To Do On A Thursday Night In Nebraska

Every once in a while as I’m reading the news I stumble across a story that really grabs me. I identify with the subject–sort of a “there but for the grace of God go I” type of thing. Take, for instance, this man, Jason Dornhoff, out of Kearney Nebraska.

Mr. Dornhoff was smoking methamphetamine one recent Thursday night when, according to court documents and the Huffington post, he decided that he needed to acquire a job and fulfill some sexual fantasies. (We’ve all been there, am I right?) He then drove over to a local restaurant and filled out an application, but, perhaps fearing that he wouldn’t stand out in this job market, decided to write a little note on the back of his application.

Allegedly.

According to the Kearney Hub, he wrote: “I have no money, a huge bomb in my truck, and a syringe of bleach that will kill you instantly. If you be quiet and help me, you won’t die.”

Now if that doesn’t put you at the top of the application pile, I don’t know what will.

The article didn’t mention exactly which restaurant Dornhoff had used to commit this crime, but I immediately pictured a TGI Friday’s, because I’ve worked at a couple of TGI Friday’s and he matches the description of some of my former customers. Maybe his sexual fantasies involved a waitress covered in fajita grease and “flair.” All of those buttons make a girl look mad sexy.

Admit it, you’re picturing me in those buttons right now. (image via flickr & Ray Yu)

He was probably hoping to run into a waitress with a hostage fantasy, which is not unreasonable. Toward the end of my shifts I often wished to be dragged out of the restaurant and stuck with a syringe full of bleach. Bleach is, after all, one of the few things that will remove the smell of fajitas from your hair while simultaneously whitening your teeth and giving you highlights.

I identify with this man on so many different levels. First of all, what is there to do on a Thursday night? I was just asking myself that very question. I was all like, “should I smoke some meth and then go down to Applebee’s with a bomb threat or should I just watch season four of True Blood?” The truth is that they both seem kind of pointless, so I might just fold some laundry.

And what about all of your pent up sexual energy? Where does a lonely horndog go for satisfaction? PeeWee Herman and Fred Willard could tell you that an adult theater is not the way to go. Lord knows a park bathroom is also a bad choice. Thank you, George Michael. The options start to dwindle until finally you find yourself at the local watering hole with a job application and a misunderstood, grammatically incorrect love note.

To be fair, crystal meth messes with your grammar. And your teeth. So let’s not be judgmental.

Also, have you been to central Nebraska? My dad was raised there and I bet if he were alive today he would tell us that he might have done the exact same thing…if it wasn’t the Depression and he hadn’t been living in a tent and the local restaurant wasn’t simply a soup line. I drove through Nebraska a couple of years back and if I hadn’t been trying to outrun what I thought was a funnel cloud, I might have made a similar choice.

Nothing saves you from a bad choice like a natural disaster. (image via flickr & Thomas-birdpics)

I think we all have a purpose in life. Maybe this guy was simply fulfilling his destiny. Just this morning I was having a discussion with my daughter about the perils of drug use (because nothing goes better with oatmeal than cautionary tales) and I told her that if she did drugs she could find herself down at Chuck E Cheeses telling them that she’d detonate the bomb on her scooter if they didn’t give her a job or some game tokens. Maybe his life purpose was to scare my daughter straight. I wonder if he can get her to go to college.

(Okay maybe that conversation didn’t actually happen, but if could have…if Hubs read the story. He loves “teaching moments” that confuse and horrify the children. It’s one of his more endearing qualities and why we make such a good team.)

At the very least, people like Jason Dornhoff give Hubs job security and me a smile. And for that I am grateful. Thank you, Jason Dornhoff. Your next order of fajitas is on me.

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32 thoughts on “What To Do On A Thursday Night In Nebraska

  1. Kathy V. says:

    You are awesome.

  2. diannegray says:

    Fantasic – I’m laughing!

  3. Colleen says:

    Do they serve Fajitas in jail? 😉

  4. good2begone says:

    I would think if he got himself a job delivering newspapers and stuck to peyote he might be able to keep himself out of trouble. Great post, thanks!

  5. Courtney says:

    I love this. One of my favorite lines: ‘He loves “teaching moments” that confuse and horrify the children.’

    • Thanks, Courtney. I miss you. How am I supposed to become a better, more productive person if you aren’t around to give me the Cliff Notes version of the last book you read?

  6. These are challenging economic times. Nothing like thinking outside the box whilst job hunting.

    • Seriously, you have to appreciate his gumption. I have the feeling that all of his thinking is outside the box. In fact, he might not even know where the box is. He’s a forward thinker.

  7. Colleen says:

    So am I missing the sexual aspect here? How do they KNOW he was “in the mood”? Did he want help with his application or ….?

  8. Fish Out of Water says:

    Your husband and my husband are twins. And, you are hilarious.

  9. Christine says:

    Confuse and horrify, huh? Sounds like the next big thing in parenting. Hubs should write a book.

  10. This is freaking hilarious. I think I may have made this exact comment on your site before, but I had three cocktails last night and I’m hung over.

  11. I happen to live in Kearney Nebraska, and I know that finding a job is tough.I was impressed with the out of the box attitude this enterprising young man has. I even posted this story on my Linkedin profile. What a creative leap this man took to stand out among the crowd. No word yet on if he actually got the job. If I hear, I will let you know. And alas, we do not have a TGIFriday’s here.

    • I too wonder if he got that job. He’s shown that he’s not afraid to take risks, he can multi-task and like you said, think outside the box. Of course he will need some days off right away for court dates, but that isn’t too much to ask.
      No TGI Friday’s? Where do you get your fajitas?

      • Btw, thanks for the re-blog.

      • You really should try to make a side trip here. This town adores Mexican food. We have some of the best authentic Mexican anywhere around.Which begs the question-Are fajitas authentic Mexican food? Too bad you can’t be here this weekend. Check out my blog for what’s happening here right now. Our claim to fame-Cruise Night is just gearing up! 500 classic cars, and countless drunken idiots will be on parade here in the next few hours.

      • I don’t believe fajitas are anymore authentically Mexican than chimichangas, which were the first “Mexican” items I ever ate.
        Drunken idiots are blogging gold.
        You know, after the tragedy in Colorado this week, I have a new found appreciation for Mr. Dornhoff, who didn’t actually hurt anyone.

  12. Reblogged this on The Cheeky Diva and commented:
    And in my own hometown. Makes me proud.

  13. senatorbrett says:

    Wait… wait… wait… you’re telling me that there is meth in Nebraska?! What?! 🙂 To be honest… they should have hired that dude, especially if it’s an Applebee’s… you know… to class up the joint!

    -SB

    http://senatorbrett.wordpress.com/2012/05/18/135/

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