Glamour Shots Confessional

Remember Glamour Shots, that 1990s trend of taking an otherwise attractive, dignified woman, making her look like Dolly Parton’s crack-riddled sister and then capturing it on film?

They were awesome. Though maybe not for the reason they were intended.

Have you ever wondered why a self-respecting women would indulge in this kind of celluloid chicanery? Did you assume that they received a concussion in the food court of a mall and wandered into the Glamour Shots studio, dazed and looking for help, only to find themselves topless and wrapped in a feather boa? I did.

This poor woman is still wondering what happened to her Wetzel’s pretzel. (image via dailymail)

But now I know better. And I’m here to tell you a story, a true story, of how I ended up with some Glamour Shots of my own.

It all began innocently enough. I needed a headshot for an upcoming show. I used to have a giant box of them hanging around but they became disturbingly outdated and now all 200 copies of my face are floating around a landfill, covered in dirty diapers and rotting food. I’ve heard that every time a seagull craps on my face, an angel gets its wings.

I needed another headshot but I didn’t want to shell out the cash for professional pictures when I only need one, so first I asked Hubs. He was a camera assistant when I met him, so he knows his way around a camera…box. Close enough. Now he often works surveillance and has taken many flattering photos of people violating parole. I figured he was the man for the job. And I think he would be…if I were stealing TVs from our neighbors and he was taking pictures from the inside of a utility van.

However making your tired wife look attractive in a giant leather recliner is a very different challenge.  Hubs made the artsy choice of shooting up from the floor, so that my legs look giant and my head looks teeny tiny. This may be the only time in the history of the world that my head has looked teeny tiny, so he does deserve an award for that feat, but the result was more of a kneeshot than a headshot.

Hire these knees! I also like the treadmill background setting and prop child. True artistry.

So I called a friend of mine for help. She teaches pole dancing and upon request she and her husband will take pictures of their students. I figured if she could make women look good while hanging upside down from a pole in their underwear, then she was up for the challenge. She brought out her black back drop and the fancy umbrella lights. Totally professional. You’d never know that the back drop is in front of camping gear, her dog is humping my leg and our kids are watching Dinosaur Train right behind her.

My eyes are sparkling with the joy of PBS theme songs and an amorous dog.

However, my friend has a twisted sense of humor (I don’t know how we became friends because I am so serious) and when she accidentally captured this image of me saying something obviously profound…

“I think the world needs more hugs and less drugs.”

…she immediately thought of those Glamour Shots. And she was right. I was almost here…

Yeah baby, work that bed sheet with your surgical glove! I’m going to wrap you up in your tinfoil blanket like a baked potato. (image via buzzfeed)

I tried to capture the “come hither” gaze but ended up looking more like a woman in an ADT Security Systems commercial.

“I’m so afraid that I’m going to clutch my imaginary collar.”

My friend was sure that I was simply missing the right props to emphasize my sex appeal. If you don’t have a leather jacket, a feather boa or a bedazzled collar to caress, it simply isn’t a Glamour shot.

Big Bird’s mother in a recumbent bike pose. (image via dailymail)

Luckily my friend had some of the needed items. It seemed like a really good idea to dig them out. And so our semi-professional photo shoot devolved into this.

This would be better if my collar was bedazzled and I was caressing it.

Just like her…

I bow before her mastery. (image via buzzfeed)

Perhaps what I need is a piece of furniture I can step on for no apparent reason.

Nothing is sexier than the Captain Morgan’s rum pose.

I only wish I had brought my crossbow.

He likes to kill a deer while caressing his girlfriend’s thigh. (image via dailymail)

And then we stopped our session because the kids needed to be fed. They have no respect for Glamour.

So that is how this unsuspecting mother ended up with Glamour Shots without so much as a cocktail or a head injury. Take this as a warning. It could happen to you.

And if it does you should remember to bring your crossbow.

50 thoughts on “Glamour Shots Confessional

  1. Paula J says:

    Well, I laughed so hard I cried. Yeah, I know it’s cliche, but I did it.

  2. Courtney says:

    Big Bird’s mother!!!! Hilarious! Love this.

  3. I cannot stop laughing. This is fantastic! Now you’ve just got to frame the pictures and give them to your husband for Valentine’s Day. 🙂

  4. Kathy V. says:

    The duck face you’ve got going on in the first shot with the hat is pretty special right there.

  5. aparnauteur says:

    Loved the shot where you attempt to capture the come-hither look. Looks like you were asking the photographer, “Did I perfect it? Did I?”

  6. I love it! I was able to escape this phenomena by simply never leaving the house in the 90s.

  7. Carrie Rubin says:

    This was a great read and so funny! I LOVE the knee picture. My husband seems to excel at those types of photos, too. I think they do it to us on purpose.

    Thanks for a good laugh. I needed something to fuel me through the dinner I have to go make.

  8. I am dying. Can’t breathe!! That was so funny!

    • Admit it, you’re going to run over to the mall to get some done, aren’t you? I can’t wait to see you wrapped in a feather boa. Bring some of Teen’s obscure songs–it’ll help you get in the Glamorous mood.

  9. The Waiting says:

    Ha! So freaking funny! I won a Glamour Shots session when I was eight and my mom still carries the photos around in her wallet. She whips them out when I get uppity.

  10. I actually learned a valuable lesson about Glamor Shots in my ‘online dating days’. Never go out with a girl who has a Glamor shot as a profile pic. They NEVER look the same.

  11. Christine says:

    Oh dear god. You are amazing. And adorable (in all of the un-glamoured shots).

  12. Colleen says:

    Yea….crossbow and pants un-done….sexy!! hahaahahahah

    • I thought the pants button was a nice touch too–kind of a “I just ate the whole deer I killed and I can’t button my pants but this here girl still thinks I’m sexy” look.

  13. Denise says:

    Actually I had my friend take Erin to get a Glamor shot when she was 9 yrs old. It turned out very cute with her wearing a white cowboy hat & minimal make up. They treated her like a Princess & she had a lot of fun!
    I loved your blog (as always), laughed myself silly (as always) & yeah baby, you got the sexy knee thinng goin’ on!
    Hugs & Miss you!

  14. Stacie Chadwick says:

    Something about a fedora, leather, and the back side of a chair speaks to me.

  15. Oh, dear lord…that is hilarious. Glamour Shots – I can’t say I’ve ever done it, but not because I didn’t want to. What twenty-something (my age during GS’ heyday which also coincides with the Mesozoic era, I’ve been told) doesn’t want someone to paint her up like a trollop, give her a feather boa and sparkly tiara, and take her photo? I just couldn’t afford it. When it came to photos, my family was Team Olan Mills. True, you had to make yourself up, but Olan Mills could make you into a lord and lady of the manor simply by pulling down a majestic library backdrop behind you. That said, I’m thinking about filing a class action suit against Olan Mills because I’m pretty certain that all my back and neck problems were caused by posing awkwardly, holding a silk rose against my cheek, while waiting to be photographed.

    • LMFAO! I can’t tell you how hard that mental picture of you with the rose made me laugh, though I’m sure the actual pictures were the epitome of taste and nothing at all to laugh at. I’m probably just still suffering from the heat stroke I got wearing a leather jacket under hot lights.

      • Coulda been the hat, too. We lose more heat through our heads than anywhere, so when we cover our heads, we tend to be warmer. I’m just so glad you decided to go with the “random chair” photo. It’s always good to have a piece of furniture in a shot with you. It says to the chair, “I appreciate you and all you do for my tired, aching ass.” Good job.

      • Thank you. My tired, aching ass does so appreciate a chair.

  16. Oh, I forgot to tell you…this is my favorite line: “I’ve heard that every time a seagull craps on my face, an angel gets its wings.” Priceless!

  17. Damn. I wish I had a crossbow lying around so I could send it to you for your next photo session. This was a lovely photo essay and the mood in each photo makes me sure you need your own TV show. I am now inspired to write a soap opera for you to star in: The Brave & The Beautiful. You will play a hardboiled detective who goes undercover running a daycare.

    Congrats on being Freshly Pressed, too!

  18. lazyhippiemama says:

    My 60-something mother wanted SO BADLY to have her glamour shots portrait taken and finally her big day came. She came home, held up the picture, and we all burst into fits of laughter. She looked totally devastated, until she looked at the picture and started cracking up too! Every woman needs to puff up her hair and wrap herself in a sparkly blue feather boa as she approaches her 70th birthday!

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