A Coalition For The Criminally Inclined And Intellectually Challenged

I’ve been working on a theory. You see I hear a lot of stupid criminal stories, as a cop’s wife and occasional web surfer. They’re often amusing. However, being an empathetic and logical (don’t laugh) individual, I’ve also noticed a common tragic thread in these stories which has led me to a hypothesis.

Perhaps if some of these less than intelligent, criminally inclined, but relatively harmless individuals kept each other company, they wouldn’t be out on the street making bad decisions and executing the kinds of half-baked ideas that lead them to end up with extremely unflattering mug shots.

Alone they are unfortunate, but together they might be more than the sum of their parts. I’ll use three recent stories as an example.

First let’s take Chad William Forber.

Officially the only tweaker I’ve ever seen with a double chin. (image via sflchronicle.com)

Chad was arrested while running around naked. He was carrying his shorts and a can of Crisco cooking spray with which he’d thoroughly greased himself. Chad told police that he was just looking for a place to party.

Just looking for a place to party.

It breaks your heart a little bit, doesn’t it? There he was feeling restless and alone with just a can of cooking spray for company. Aside from being naked and unattractive, Chad has done nothing wrong…if you don’t count the meth in his shorts and his resistance to being arrested. In Chad’s defense, the police rarely seem ready to party. If I were all greased up and ready to go, I might want to take my party elsewhere too.

Like to a firehouse. Now those guys know how to party and cook a pot of chili. And Chad looks like a man who can appreciate a pot of chili.

Next we have James Crittendon.

James isn’t good with math but a genius with constitutional law and theology. (image via wave3)

James had a small mathematical problem at a local supermarket when he opened $23.90 worth of Reddi Whip, but only had $7 in his pants. It doesn’t take a math genius to figure out that Mr. Crittendon was a little light in his whipped cream funds. He was also huffing the Reddi Whip in the store, which they frown upon. However, he informed the authorities that he was huffing the cans to wake up, which the US Constitution gave him the authority to do.

I applaud his knowledge of the Constitution.

Later, James was arrested for lighting a toilet on fire at a convenience store. I would have assumed that he lit the toilet on fire because it’s the only way to adequately sanitize a convenience store bathroom, but James stated that it was actually due to religious reasons. My bad.

Unfortunately attendance is in the sh!tter and services at the Church of the Flaming Toilet have been suspended.

Now I wish I’d gotten around to taking theological studies in college. Is it the Jehovah’s Witnesses that believe in hell fire and brimstone in a commode or is that a Seventh Day Adventist thing?

Finally I present Andrew Toothman.

Nearly six feet of Reese’s peanut butter cup. (image via thesmokinggun.com)

Police found Andrew face down and completely covered in chocolate and peanut butter in a supermarket. He had apparently smashed through the glass door wearing nothing but boots. He then emptied all of the fire extinguishers and wrote “sorry” on the floor in NyQuil, which was thoughtful. And while breaking windows should generally be avoided, there is nothing wrong with covering yourself in chocolate and peanut butter…well unless you’re at my son’s preschool and that’s only because there are nut allergies and you should be considerate of other people’s food restrictions. But you could totally cover yourself in chocolate and be okay.

So I read these stories and it’s glaringly apparent to me that these men need each other.

Together these items promise better times and friendship. The same is true for unfortunate people.

For instance, if Andrew Toothman and his appropriated fire extinguishers had been present at the convenience store bathroom at the time of Mr. Crittendon’s religious service, he would have been extremely useful. Perhaps Mr. Crittendon could have even absolved Mr. Toothman of whatever he was feeling “sorry” about before the toilet service was extinguished.

Now add Chad Forber to the mix. You give Chad two friends who also carry food, one of whom understands the draw of traveling in the buff, add in Mr. Crittendon’s bonfire-building capabilities and you have yourself a cookout. In the event that they get into trouble again or catch a cold, they could all benefit from Mr. Crittendon’s knowledge of constitutional law and Mr. Toothman’s NyQuil.

All they need is each other. And a couple of items from the local supermarket.

But isn’t that what we all need? Like-minded individuals who understand us? Maybe that’s all that stands between us and an unflattering mug shot.

We’re so lucky we found each other.

20 thoughts on “A Coalition For The Criminally Inclined And Intellectually Challenged

  1. You torch public toilets to sanitize them too? And all along I thought I was the only one. Can we add the dude who walks down the street in front of my kids’ elementary school, shirtless, shoeless, and in constant search of a Butterfinger? He hasn’t broken any law that I’m aware of…yet, but he’s a crazy-assed perp-in-training, and his mug shot is imminent. Plus Butterfingers compliment your food assortment perfectly.

    Props to Hubs for the pic. Love this post!

    • Yes, major props to Hubs for being so game after a reeeeally long day at work. He devoured that peanut butter cup moments later.
      That dude in front of your kids’ elementary school needs a friend pronto. I support peoples’ rights to be crazy and all, but not near kids. Someone should tie a Butterfinger to the back of a car and drive slowly away from the school. Don’t stop until you hit the next town…or a 7/11 parking lot.
      And yes, fire is the only way to sanitize public toilets. Gack.

  2. Carrie Rubin says:

    Ahh, the kindred spirit of humanity. You’ve captured it beautifully. Just three lost little dudes in search of their soulmates–each other.

  3. I love this post! I’m a little scared that you can so easily understand the motivations of these criminal masterminds. Few others can. But thank goodness you can because I needed this laugh today. 🙂

  4. Courtney says:

    In your and Rusty’s expert opinion, are ALL of these guys on meth? I’m just curious to know which drug makes people think it’s okay to be naked in public.

    • In the past a person running around naked and acting erratically was usually on PCP. However, bath salts evidently causes rampant nakedness and psychosis too. And sometimes people who are especially drunk and stupid overestimate their own attractiveness and strip down. Meth doesn’t usually cause nakedness, so that first guy was an anomaly or he was also on something else.

  5. You didn’t dip your Reese’s in Nyquil? You’re missing out baby! Out of sheer curiosity, I wonder how many of these gentlemen did their crimes in FL. I’m guessing the majority.

    • Two of these guys hailed from Kentucky and one was from Illinois. There was another precious story about a guy in Pennsylvania who got trapped by the doors of the bank he was trying to rob. Strangely not a single story came out of Florida.
      I’ve never dipped my Reese’s in Nyquil and now I feel like I’ve robbed myself. Ooh, they should make a Nyquil jelly filled donut!

  6. derricwatson says:

    Our local radio station (in Richmond, IN) has an irregular feature called Florida News, in which yet another dumb criminal story set in Florida is read and laughed at. Now that you’ve made me feel some kind of an emotional connection with these guys I’m struggling with guilt over my previous snickering…

    It sounds like perhaps some kind of personals would be helpful to these folks. “YOU: appreciate overweight nudity and crisco. ME: looking for a good time.” Or even some kind of Other category: “Looking to feel better about yourself? Feeling misunderstood in the world? Join our band of misfits for this week’s greasy chocolate streak to the grocery store for NyQuil and lighter fluid. Please bring $25 for hot dogs and bath salts.”

  7. James says:

    I’d better find *MY* Mr. Crittendon & Mr. Toothman before I end up on the blotter. :/

  8. Kathy V. says:

    That picture is priceless!

  9. WSW says:

    Face down and completely covered in chocolate and peanut butter in a supermarket — and I thought I was the only one.

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