The Galloping Consumption

This is not a real post. Consider this an excused absence from my normal blog writing. i have what my father affectionately referred to as the Galloping Consumption, a term he applied to any respiratory illness that makes you doubt your will to live. Having spent six months in the hospital for tuberculosis, I consider him an expert in this area.

I’m in my second week of the Galloping Consumption. I haven’t been able to sleep, hold a conversation or even read a story to my children. Hubs is renting out my side of the bed and taking applications for a new wife and mother, should I finally blow a major blood vessel on my next coughing fit.ย  Meanwhile I entertain visions of myself in a cane-backed wheel chair with a lap blanket, being wheeled around by an attendant or lying supplicant on a velvet couch while Johnny Depp recreates Neverland in my sitting room. In my visions I cough with an English accent.

Now I wouldn’t publicly declare myself an optimist but I am prone to want to look at the bright side of a situation, so I can say that I’ve lost ten pounds, though most of it has been in muscle tone and breast tissue. I’m on the verge of obtaining the coveted lollipop figure that LA is known for. Rachel Zoe actually considered taking me as a client until she realized that there was movement in my forehead and declared me dead to her until I developed the good sense to paralyze my face with Botox.

However just between you and me, even a career as a geriatric super model isn’t enough to raise my spirits while I am coughing mercilessly through the night. I can be tough and resilient for short stretches but I grow impatient about hardship quickly and then I’m just irritable and nihilistic.

I’d be terrible at war. Sure I’d be focused and bad@ss for a couple of fire fights but then I’d grow weepy, start complaining about a lack of coffee breaks and finally I’d lie down in a fox hole and wait for enemy fire to claim me. They never would’ve made a mini series about my war-time heroics. So don’t hold out for Band of Brothers and One Sister. It ain’t coming.

Anyway, thank you for your patience. Normal posts will resume shortly.

23 thoughts on “The Galloping Consumption

  1. I hope you feel better soon. Thanks for making me crack up. I did feel a tinge of guilt laughing while you’re on your deathbed, but then it passed.

  2. Courtney says:

    This is so funny. You are so funny. The idea of an HBO miniseries called Band of Brothers and One Sister is so funny.

  3. Courtney says:

    Btw, that would be so awesome if Johnny Depp recreated Finding Neverland in your living room. I hope he does it.

  4. Colleen says:

    Pho… will cure ANYTHING. Okay it won’t CURE it…but it will make you feel a heck of a lot better!

  5. Carrie Rubin says:

    Sorry you’re sick. I felt weird ‘liking’ this post, but I clicked the button as a ‘hope you get better soon’ gesture. ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. Gosh, hope you get well soon. This sounds miserable — except the losing weight part. For that, I’m tempted to ask you to sneeze into an envelope and mail it to me.

  7. Paula J says:

    Hey, it could be worse. Hubs could be the one hacking away while you’re trying to sleep.

  8. C.K. Hope says:

    Sorry you’re sick, sounds like what I’m (still) getting over. I hope you didn’t get it from me coughing on your blog a few weeks ago ๐Ÿ˜‰ Feel better!

  9. WSW says:

    Try my family remedy, hot lemonade, during the day. Cup of boiling water, juice of a fresh lemon and honey to taste. At night add a good jigger of Irish whiskey. Trust me. You’ll sleep like a baby.

  10. derricwatson says:

    Ick. (Although I have to admit my imagining of a mini-series came with a different title, “Band of Brothers and… oh what’s the use anyway?”)

    And I concur with the homemade cough medicine and bowl of pho. Both work wonders, especially if the pho is spicy and the whiskey is hot.

    • It’s Pho and whiskey for me tonight. Your mini-series title sounds like what would have happened if one of the soldiers took along their Jewish mother. It would have been followed by Saving Private Ryan…even though he never calls.

  11. krista says:

    girl, i sure hope that by the time you are reading this you are feeling better.

  12. sweetmother says:

    goddermn it. you’re funny even when you’re ill. feel better, little soldier. feel better. looool. ๐Ÿ˜‰ xo, sm

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