Cheesecake Off Of Taylor Lautner’s Abs

True Confession:

I made a $12.50 contribution to the Twilight empire. I saw Breaking Dawn. In the theater. And now I’m outing myself.

Behold the shame

Behold: shame and an approaching weather system.

You might roll your eyes but sometimes a girl just wants to watch a Matrix-style fight scene with pretty people in paper snow, surrounded by CG werewolves. Much like a key lime cheesecake, it has no nutritional value, but is still delicious. Like Taylor Lautner’s abs. Or a key lime cheesecake eaten off Taylor Lautner’s abs.

Caution: those abs are wet. You will end up with soggy cheesecake.

Let’s not judge.

Frankly I found this movie thought-provoking. For instance, did you know that ancient vampires all learn perfect English? (Well you would if you’d stop wasting your time watching Oscar contenders.) Even the vampires deep in the Brazilian rain forest who still wear loin cloths take the time to enroll in their local ESL class, which is helpful when you have a giant vampire war. Let’s face it, delicate battle strategies can get lost in language barriers.

Imagine that you are lined up for battle with a bunch of other amber-eyed immortal hotties. Tension is mounting because a whole bunch of Italians are carrying a can of Sterno with your name on it. Italian vampires might behave like autistic drag queens but they’re vicious and connected.

Sheldon meets Liberace meets Vito Corleone.

You turn to the jungle vampire next to you and helpfully suggest, “Hey, fly through the air and rip the head off of that guy over there.”

Miss loin cloth, pointing in the opposite direction, says something ancient and rainforesty that you don’t understand because tribal-speak wasn’t even offered in your high school.

You roll your eyes. Where did they get this girl? Is she some sort of undocumented vampire who Matrix-jumped over the border? So you say (loudly and with extra enunciation),  “No. The. Guy. Over. There.”

Then she shakes her Amazonian flat-ironed hair with attitude and babbles something unintelligible with emphasis like she just insulted your mother, which is totally disrespectful because your mother died 200 years ago.

Meanwhile, the guy you were trying to get Miss Loin Cloth to kill flies through the air and rips your head off and now where are you? Stuck in eternal damnation, that’s where. And all because Miss Loin Cloth couldn’t even invest in a phrase book. I mean, do you have to do all of the work? You’ve been busy looking impossibly beautiful and drinking the blood of woodland animals with your equally beautiful immortal soul mate.

This Amazonian vampire is fresh from a stint on America’s Next Top Model and a Michael Jackson video.

Speaking of soul mates. I was watching the scene where KStew and RPat were lying in a field of flowers and KStew lifted the CG gauze that made up her mind shield so that RPat could watch a video montage of painful acting moments from the three previous Twilight films, which apparently demonstrated how KStew had loved RPat more than anyone had ever loved anyone else in the history of the world. RPat was enthralled and asked for another peak at her glorious awkwardness but KStew declined, saying, “We’ve got a really long time,” to which RPat replied, “Forever”  or “Eternity,” I forget which exactly because I was having not one but two epiphanies at the time and epiphanies screw with my short-term memory.

First of all, KStew’s video montage suggests that all of the painful acting moments in my past were actually signs of deep abiding love.  Will someone please alert my acting teachers? This is extremely encouraging news.  I think perhaps deep abiding love has caused all of my crappy writing as well.

And second, eternity is a long G.D. time. Holy prenups, Batman. Even ten years is a really long time when you don’t even take a nap to break up the monotony, but forever? Centuries of your soul mate not wiping the deer blood off of their expensive shoes before they track it through your magically clean, tastefully decorated home might have you eying your own can of Sterno. I think I’d have to have some sort of vampire open marriage because that’s just mind numbing craziness, but maybe matrimony is different when you sparkle. I wouldn’t know.

Alas, since this was the final installment of the Twilight extravaganza, I’m done with guilty pleasures for a while. Unless the latest James Bond film is still in theaters, because you know I love car chases and cool gadgets…and key lime cheesecake tastes just as delicious when eaten off of Daniel Craig’s abs.

Mmm, cheesecake.

Delicious. And this cheesecake is appropriately aged.


Photo Credits

20 thoughts on “Cheesecake Off Of Taylor Lautner’s Abs

  1. Where have you been, FHF?

    First of all, I rented all three (as of last year) of the Twilight DVDs and watched them while I wrapped gifts last Christmas. Guilty pleasure AND productivity wrapped into one shirtless Taylor Lautner. Needless to say, all of my senses were satisfied.

    Second, you are SO right. What’s Edward gonna do when Bella starts getting even moodier than she already is, endlessly complains about profuse night sweats, and tries to eat him for an after-dinner snack? Til death do us part? Yeah, probably.

    Missed you!

  2. Vampire open marriage! Dude, I’d have to do the same thing. I’m about to celebrated my 19th anniversary and let me tell you, whew, it sometimes feel likes and eternity.

    • I know, right? Think how long it would feel if you never broke the monotony with sleep, dinner or a trip to the bathroom. Jumping through tree tops seems like fun the first few hundred times you do it, but even that must get old.

  3. Carrie Rubin says:

    Okay, well you definitely had me at the Daniel Craig photo…

    Yes, when one is immortal, marriage takes on a whole new meaning, doesn’t it? Might want to just shack up instead of making it legal. Eternity is a very, very long time. 🙂

  4. I just took my 12-year-old daughter to see the movie this weekend. She loved it. ‘Nuff said.

    • I imagine that she must have really loved that scene in the wild flowers. I think my 12 year old self would have thought that the most romantic thing in the world. 43 year old self was horrified at the whole thing…well not the Matrix fighting in paper snow. That was awesome.

  5. WSW says:

    Since we’re in confession mode, I’ll see your Twilight movies and raise you all three Twilight books. Oh yeah, I read ’em. Sh**y prose, silly plots, repugnant characters and all. I have no excuse, except to say that they were like Cheez Doodles; once you start it’s impossible to stop. Having confessed, I should feel better, but now that my dazzling shame has been exposed to the light of day…OMG, here we go again.

    • The Cheez Doodles of literature. I like that. I only hope that one day I too can write a literary Cheez Doodle that can then be made into a terrible movie filled with vacuous eye candy. You’ve helped me set a goal today. Thank you.

  6. lazyhippiemama says:

    “autistic drag queens.” hahahahahaha!!!! I just…. hahahahaha!!! Ok…. what I’m trying to say is…. hahahhahahaha!!!!!! I gotta go watch my entire collection of Twilight videos now. I’ll see them in a whole new light, thanks to this post! 🙂

  7. Jill Hoven says:

    I laughed so hard at this post I just woke up a baby (luckily not mine, but I don’t think my brother thinks you’re as funny as I do)! I SO wish you lived in Seattle; you would have been a more-than-welcome member of my neighborhood mom’s (5 mamas plus one amazing papa chauffer) date night to the (COCKTAIL) movie theatre where we all (very guiltily) indulged our need for a good ol’ cackle and a Twilight fix. The only thing that would’ve made the night better is if the theatre had cheesecake on their menu. 😉

    • And I would have had a great time! A good group of girlfriends makes any movie better. I could go watch paint dry and enjoy myself if in the right company. Cocktails and sparkly vampires are just the garnish on the cheesecake.

  8. […] and trolls.  I think that’s sort of amazing.  Some of you have come to shows of mine…like fatheadfollies.  I love this girl and her super-cool friend who came and saw me perform in an itty bitty, North […]

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