Did you read the story about Christopher Dorner, the man who had a beef with LAPD so he wrote a manifesto and then ultimately killed his lawyer’s daughter, her fiance and two sheriffs who had nothing at all to do with his problem, because he was trying to prove that he wasn’t a liar by becoming a killer, as if he was in some sort of Quentin Tarantino movie? Djorner Unchained (the J is silent.)
I’m not going to go into my opinions and feelings about that situation here. I have some strong ones but they aren’t especially funny. However, I will say that it made for some tense times around the Fathead household. It was almost as much fun as the time Hubs was green lit when I was pregnant with my daughter.
Hubs insisted I wear an automatic assault rifle strapped to my thigh under my clothes when I dropped the kids off to school and everything. Let me tell you, those things chafe. And have you ever tried pulling one out of skinny jeans in a timely manner without ripping your fancy underwear and shooting the PTA president? It’s not as sexy as you might think.
Okay the part about the assault rifle wasn’t exactly true, but what I’m about to tell you did actually happen…outside of my mind…in real life.
I’m typically very calm in a crisis. However I do obsessively redecorate and reorganize to manage the stress. For instance in the past few weeks I’ve redone three rooms in our house. Hubs can’t find the remotes, the kids can’t find their toothbrushes, but they know better than to stop me.
So it really comes as no surprise that in the middle of the whole manhunt I ran into Christopher Dorner in the Returns section of my local Ikea while returning a cabinet that I’d been planning on turning into a fantastic faux-denza/media cabinet.
Okay, in retrospect it wasn’t actually Christopher Dorner — just some dude sitting with Tisha Campbell-Martin (the actress from that Damon Wayans show, My Wife and Kids) who really looked like Christopher Dorner, but considering that I had already parked next to a gray Nissan Titan, the exact same truck that Christopher Dorner had been driving, and my head had been on a swivel looking for Dorner because, as I mentioned, it isn’t uncommon for people to want to kill Hubs and I’m just narcissistic enough to think that everything revolves around me, it took me a moment before I realized that it wasn’t him. My first thought was, “Sh!t, he found me,” followed by, “Maybe he just wants to furnish his hide-out with some inexpensive Scandinavian furniture,” and finally, “Is that the chick from Martin and My Wife and Kids??? I love her!”
It was a tense minute or two. I had to go deep undercover and sit right across from them on one of the pleather couches, casually humming Public Enemy’s Fight the Power as if to say, “Yeah, the Man always brings this sistah down too,” before I figured out that it was just some random dude.
Frankly I was a little disappointed when I figured out that I hadn’t single-handedly located Christopher Dorner, after I’d spent so much time meticulously planning the conversation I would have with him to make him realize the error of his ways and turn himself in. I actually spend a lot of time imagining conversations like that. Almost as much time as I spend mentally choreographing my kick-ass fight moves, which is embarrassing to admit, but I feel like we’re close and I can pretty much tell you anything.
Anyway, the dude was reading Dorner’s manifesto and Tisha leaned over, looked at Dorner’s picture, then looked at her friend and said, “Don’t smile.” See? Because the pictures of Dorner were all photos of him smiling and even a sitcom star could see that the dude was totally Dorner’s doppelgänger.
And you all thought I was overreacting. Tisha totally gets me…or she would if we hung out. Call me, Tisha.
Then it struck me that the police had already shot two Asian ladies delivering papers (yep, that’s embarrassing), so maybe sitting across from a dude who looked waaaaay more like Christopher Dorner than any Asian lady was actually pretty dangerous. I could get caught in the middle of a messy take down. I wanted to give the dude a respectful fist bump and say, “Hey man, stay safe out there,” but Tisha’s number was called and they went up to return their shelving unit and I chickened out.
Then it started to hail as if God was saying, “you blew your chance, Sucka!”
And that is the story of how I almost cornered Christopher Dorner and became Tisha Campbell-Martin’s best friend in Ikea. I swear it is all true, including the biblical hail. In fact, I haven’t been back to Ikea since the incident because I know it will just be a let down.
Post Note: All kidding aside, my most sincere condolences go out to the families of those who lost their lives during this senseless tragedy. You have been in my prayers. And to those police officers who continue to risk their lives to protect and serve, thank you (respectful fist bump).
Hubs and the Los Angeles Association of Gangs (or LAAG)
Mylifetime.com (and some low tech photo editing)
“And to those police officers who continue to risk their lives to protect and serve, thank you”—-Hear hear!
Thank God they do what they do. I know I couldn’t…well except in my mind where I’m a complete badass.
First, nice Pulp Fiction shout-out…you know your Quentin Tarantino movies which gives you automatic street cred with gun-toting, police-hating, nut jobs like Christopher Dorner. Not that you’d want that or anything. I’m sure Tisha Campbell-Martin likes a good royale with cheese too.
Hubs knows Tarantino films better than I do. Lord knows he loves some gratuitous violence. I just ride his street cred coat tails. But if Tisha likes a royale with cheese, I’m down.
Wow! What a story! While this was a tragedy, I love your humor!
Thank you. It was a tragedy in so many ways, but laughter is my coping mechanism. It keeps me sane(ish).
“Djorner”–silent J–hilarious. The part about Tisha advising her friend not to smile–that really happened, right? So interesting–they knew he looked like Dorner and you overheard them discussing it? Wow. I bet that was highly inconvenient for her friend, during the past couple of weeks. Hey, you didn’t mention anything in this post about the IKEA Returns process making you want to kill yourself. I will not buy anything at IKEA without a very slow walk to the checkout registers, in which I debate with myself the statistical probability of my keeping the thing I’m about to buy, because I cannot bear to return anything there. Anyway. Loved this post. And I feel for the families who were hurt, too. Can’t imagine being that lawyer and his wife; they must be in so much pain. So heartbreaking.
Yes that conversation actually did happen. I’m not kidding, other than being a couple of inches shorter that dude was a dead ringer for Dorner.
Ikea returns is a time-suck, but I didn’t notice it on that day. The key is to sit opposite a fugitive lookalike and a sitcom star–it really makes the time fly by.