Ghettofabulous Good Times

My in-laws were just in town for two glorious weeks. During their visit Hubs and I got not one, not two, but THREE date nights! Have I mentioned how much I love my in-laws? Yes? Okay then.

As Hubs and I usually space our date nights to once every Pope, I valued every single minute of bonus alone time I got with him, but one date was extra special. Hubs took me on an insider tour of his old patrol division in South Central. (We’re not supposed to call it South Central anymore because apparently the name has a negative connotation and by changing the name we have magically made all of its problems go away, but I’m a rebel).

Yep, changing the name makes it all better.

Right now I bet you’re thinking, “those two love birds sure know how to carve out moments of romance.” And you’d be right. We surely do.

I’ve been bugging Hubs to take me to that particular division for a while so that I could accurately describe it in my unpublished work of burgeoning genius, but every time I suggested it Hubs would get a look on his face as if he’d suddenly developed hemorrhoids and one of them had exploded. Apparently, according to crime stats, his own personal experience and the movie End of Watch, that area is dangerous and he loves me. Also he doesn’t know where all of our important paperwork is or how much Tylenol the kids get. But due to the UWBG (unpublished work of burgeoning genius) I would not let it rest.

So when he turned to me and actually suggested it on his own without any coercion or overt emotional blackmail I jumped up and down and ran to pick out my best South Central touring outfit before he changed his mind.

It's Christmas for unpublished authors in the ghetto.

It’s Christmas for unpublished authors in the ghetto.

Then I ran back out:

Me: If someone starts shooting at us, is it better for me to recline in my seat or lean forward?
Hubs: I’d recommend getting down on the floor so you have the protection of the–
Me: Engine block! Right!

(Yes this was our actual conversation and no, it isn’t unusual for us to discuss things like this.)

At that point I may or may not have wet my pants a little in excitement and had an elaborate fantasy wherein Hubs and I were in a gun fight and I took a bullet in the shoulder and had to dive over the hood of my car to take cover behind said engine block. Then as I was losing consciousness, cradled in Hubs’s arms I said, “promise me that your next wife will be ugly and good with the children,” and Hubs laughed through his tears, realizing that I was the most bad@ss wife in the entire world.

I love that fantasy.

Then Hubs generously armed himself, I packed tasty South Central touring snacks and we departed in a ball of excitement (admittedly all mine). I was so filled with joy and gratitude that I actually let Hubs drive my new leased pride and joy and only commented on his Captain Agro driving style once on the freeway. Once we got into the neighborhood I forgot to care about the welfare of my car because it was SO EXTREMELY AWESOME!

This church is on Trinity street and the Holy Spirit burned its roof right off.

It was even better than my Ride Along in Rampart Division, when I got to see a felony arrest, a perimeter and ride Code 3 (lights and sirens) to a call, and it’s hard to beat that. Hubs is the best South Central tour guide and heavily armed husband EVER!

Seriously, he’s the Starsky to my Hutch, the Crockett to my Tubbs, the Gyllenhaal to my Peña…huh, it looks like I took you on an unintentional homoerotic tour of famous cop shows. Alrighty then.

"Riley gets 7.5 ml of Tylenol for a fever."

“This was the best date night ever.”

Hubs expertly navigated the ‘hood, showing me the locations I’d used in my UWBG and some that applied to the work stories he’s shared, like “this is where I was chasing that gangster and we got hit by the Volvo” and “this is where I was wrestling with that guy on PCP and my partner stood back and watched.” He pointed out houses of “frequent fliers,” kept me informed of which gang’s territory we were in, answered all of my questions and pointed out some interesting characters and idiosyncrasies of the neighborhood while people stared at us as if they’d never seen a giddy, suburban soccer mom touring their neighborhood before.

Then Hubs took me to a really cute little Mexican place for lunch where I bought some souvenirs.

What? You thought I'd bring home a bag of crack and an undocumented worker? That's so racist.

What? You thought I brought home a bag of crack and an undocumented worker? You need to look at your code of ethics, my friend. And anyway, you can totally buy those on the internet.

As it turns out I’ve actually been in that division a few times on my own, which I thought was very cool. It reminded me of my pre-Hubs days when I regularly wandered neighborhoods in which I could get mugged or at least need a tetanus shot. Hubs was not as excited about that realization as I was.

I understand his concern. He just doesn’t realize the extent of my bad@ssery. But one day when we’re in that gun fight…

Crime just got its eviction notice.

Crime just got its eviction notice.


Photo Credits:



20 thoughts on “Ghettofabulous Good Times

  1. WSW says:

    I am SO jealous. The last time I got (almost) mugged, I got to ride around in the back of a speeding patrol car looking for the perp, and then I got to spend about an hour in the precinct UPSTAIRS NEXT TO THE HOLDING CELL while looking at mug shots. It was one of the best days of my life, and no, I am not being facetious. It was like I was in The Wire or something. Lucky you.

  2. Colleen says:

    OMG. laughing through the whole thing!
    I’m afraid I haven’t been close to a mugging. I’ve obviously been missing out!

  3. Jill Hoven says:

    WAY better date than a boring old dinner and a movie (especially if the movie is the latest remake of whatever-classic-movie-from-our-childhood-that-was-so-classic-remaking-it-feels-like-a-betrayal-of-the-deepest-order-and-I’m-talking-about-Footloose). Love it!! Also, glad you made it home without any injuries (though for the sake of a good story, I appreciate your willingness to take a bullet for your art…)! 😉

    • Oh Footloose. When will they learn that they can’t out-bacon Kevin Bacon? Can’t they come up with original post-millennium delightfully hokey movies? And what is with this idea of casting age appropriate people? That’s not how they did it in the 80s and as an aging former actress I resent it. I’m pretty sure that Stockard Channing is with me on this.

  4. Wow! You and Hubs are seriously badass. All along I thought it was just you.

    Did you have any vodka in the car on your wild escapades by chance? I’m pretty sure that pouring vodka directly into a hole in your shoulder makes the bullet just pop right out, especially if you’re playing Eminem in the background.

    • Damn it, you’re right! How could I have packed tasting South Central touring snacks and yet forgotten the vodka and Eminem? That was a serious oversight. Hubs packs tampons for bullet holes (seriously, he does) but it doesn’t look nearly as bad@ss as pouring vodka in it. Plus I always enjoy a tour more with cocktails and a soundtrack to highlight my tough scowl and head bounce.

      • I want to go on a tour of the mean streets with you and Hubs. Then I want to go drink Vodka shots in a seedy bar and get in a fight so Hubs can bust some heads. But I don’t want to break out the tampons, ever, in any fashion.

        Great, hilarious work as always Kellie!

      • Hubs can hold his own in a bar fight but the thing I truly appreciate is that I can (and have) ask to borrow a tampon at any time and he will oblige me.

  5. Smaktakula says:

    Actually, that sounds like a fun date. I’ll bet you guys do have a great time together.

    Many, many years ago my friend’s car had some difficulty on the 110, and we were forced to pull over somewhere in the hood. The cops actually picked us up and took us to the station where we waited for somebody to come get us. The officers seemed determined that we NOT wait by the car. I believe, although I don’t know for certain (you & your husband probably would know better) that the crime rate was much worse at that time than it is now.

    • It depends on the exact area. Some of those areas gentrify and then things get a little better, but the gang violence seems to remain consistent. I’m glad that everything turned out okay for you guys. A walk on the wild side is only fun if you live to talk about it.

  6. Love, love, love this post. Laughing still, I’ll be the first in line for your book.

  7. Judy Smith says:

    I totally love this. I’ll be standing directly behind inspiredlivingkc in line, unless I get there first … or can distract said person through skillful use of vodka and tampons. Or maybe chocolate.

  8. Carrie Rubin says:

    You and your husband have a much different definition of ‘date night’ than my husband and I do, although I must admit, yours is more exciting.

    We finally watched End of Watch. So good!

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