Underpriviledged Teenage Cougars Vying For A Place In Society

Once again the news has caught my attention, Reno news to be exact. Reno isn’t just Las Vegas’s ugly cousin. Many interesting things happen there. It’s a hub of excitement. And also a hub of martinis and video poker.

And juvenile delinquent mountain lions.

Evidently an underage mountain lion was caught trying to slip into the Harrah’s casino in downtown Reno before the breakfast rush last Friday morning. Scandalous. Especially since Harrah’s doesn’t have a breakfast buffet and Peg’s is really where you want to go for a quality breakfast. It’s a Reno institution. Duh. Somebody needs to tell that cougar about Yelp.

A cougar’s eye view of the downtown Peg’s. (image via Yelp & Zack M.)

Then again maybe the mountain lion went to Harrah’s for the Beer Pong Tournament and a show. Master hypnotist Tyzen was appearing in a “suggestive adult revue,” which is a subtle way of saying that he was surrounded by girls with naked ta-tas. That seems like the type of thing an underage mountain lion would appreciate. Naked ta-tas look just like a breakfast buffet.

This guy Tyzen wears as much eyeliner as Criss Angel, has a cool Justin Beiber comb-over and does improv comedy to loud rock music. He also makes people bark like a dog which has got to be pretty hilarious for a wild cat fresh from the Beer Pong Tournament.

Is he trying to grab my naked ta-tas? It worries me. Someone should tell him I’m married and my husband is armed. (image via Tyzen.com)

Alas, the approximately two-years old, 100 pound cat will never know Tyzen’s genius, because when it tried to walk into the casino it couldn’t negotiate the revolving door, which may be a sign that it was already drinking and would also explain why it didn’t understand the absence of a buffet.

Someone needs to track down who’s been serving underage mountain lions. That’s how Drew Barrymore got into trouble and aside from making Poison Ivy, she was relatively harmless. A mountain lion is not. Ask any chihuahua.

After failing to enter the revolving door, the cougar hid under an outdoor stage in a nearby plaza. I would guess that he was trying to drunk-dial an old girlfriend or eat Paris Hilton’s dog, Tinkerbell, which, though technically a mercy killing, is still disturbing.

“Help me. I taste like chicken and designer fabric.” (image via veanimals.com)

Authorities tranquilized the mountain lion and released it into the wild after tagging it for participation in a University of Nevada, Reno study. They didn’t mention the nature of the study. Maybe they’re checking on the effects of revolving doors on mountain lion self-esteem. Not that they need a whole study on that. The answer is obvious. Would you feel good about yourself if you couldn’t make it through a revolving door and then ended up passed out on the local news? Me neither.

Teenage mountain lions suffer from low self-esteem. (image via RPD)

Nevada Department of Wildlife Spokesman, Chris Healy, called the young male cat’s behavior “almost the equivalent of being a stupid teenager,” which I think is a little harsh. Let’s be honest here, if this cat were really a stupid teenager, he would have hot-wired a car and took it for a joy ride or peed off a tall building. At the very least he would have tried to play a game of craps with a fake ID and score free drinks from a roving cocktail waitress. Mr. Healy has evidently never seen a Hollywood teenager in action. When that cougar has a sex tape and has rolled its car on Mulholland Drive, give me a call.

Seriously though, this story brings up some pertinent issues, especially because this is an election year and the state of America’s youth is at the forefront of our candidates’ campaigns, right behind the economy and foreign policy and oil and religion and gay marriage and hurricanes and female reproductive organs…well it’s in there somewhere. Perhaps the importance is more implied than actually discussed.

Regardless, instead of pointing fingers and slinging insults we should be focused on creating constructive activities for these animals, so that they don’t waste their time hanging out in casinos. Or maybe we need more revolving doors in the wild. Or more job opportunities. Or better education. Or lower taxes for felines. Or smaller government for bigger cats…

I’m just brain storming here.

I certainly don’t claim to have all of the answers. But this mountain lion is an American and it deserves a future. An American future. For Americans. Who are cats.

(image via dreamstime)



(image via wired)

Flashbang bra holster demo, fast, and practical. – YouTube.

I gots to get me one of these!

Sure I don’t really need to carry a concealed weapon. I don’t move in dangerous circles, unless you count my husband and he has all but promised not to hold me at gun point, I hardly ever find myself cruising skid row to pick up crack-hoes anymore, and if someone threatened me I could always throw Conor at them and let his supersonic scream paralyze them long enough for me to kick them in the shins, take my son back (because I’m not a bad mother) and make a run for it.

Hubs has suggested that I carry a gun when I go trail running, for use against mountain lions and nature-loving lunatics, but I get so sweaty out there that I’d probably whip out the gun only to have it slide right through my grasp and into the paws/hands of the mountain lion/nature-loving lunatic. And no one wants to face an armed mountain lion (nature-loving lunatics tend to already be armed, so it’s a moot point). I’ve already ignored Hubs’s suggestion to carry water and a phone out on the trail, so I’d hate to break my record of rebellion anyway.

And chances are that I’d accidentally blow my nipple right off into my armpit, which is not the sexiest place to have a nipple. I read that in Maxim Magazine. That rule might not apply to 43-year old mothers of two and the readers of Maxim probably don’t care where I keep my nipples because I haven’t been cast in a Transformers movie or dated Jason Statham.

But I care.

Regardless of lack of need and inherent threat to breast tissue, I find myself wanting one because…and this is really the most important reason of all…

How bad@ss would it be to pull a gun out of your bra? I mean really?

Gripping that flop-sweat covered semi-automatic in my hand with my shirt askew and the holster sticking out at an odd angle like a third breast, I would look mad sexy! Maybe not to the nipple-conscious readers of Maxim Magazine, but I’m pretty sure that Hubs would threaten me with imminent harm at least once a day just so he could see me draw my weapon.

In this house nothing has more sex appeal than a woman with a loaded weapon in her Wonder bra. Even if she’s a 43-year old mother of two with a nipple in her armpit.

I’m gonna need a bigger bra.