A Coalition For The Criminally Inclined And Intellectually Challenged

I’ve been working on a theory. You see I hear a lot of stupid criminal stories, as a cop’s wife and occasional web surfer. They’re often amusing. However, being an empathetic and logical (don’t laugh) individual, I’ve also noticed a common tragic thread in these stories which has led me to a hypothesis.

Perhaps if some of these less than intelligent, criminally inclined, but relatively harmless individuals kept each other company, they wouldn’t be out on the street making bad decisions and executing the kinds of half-baked ideas that lead them to end up with extremely unflattering mug shots.

Alone they are unfortunate, but together they might be more than the sum of their parts. I’ll use three recent stories as an example.

First let’s take Chad William Forber.

Officially the only tweaker I’ve ever seen with a double chin. (image via sflchronicle.com)

Chad was arrested while running around naked. He was carrying his shorts and a can of Crisco cooking spray with which he’d thoroughly greased himself. Chad told police that he was just looking for a place to party.

Just looking for a place to party.

It breaks your heart a little bit, doesn’t it? There he was feeling restless and alone with just a can of cooking spray for company. Aside from being naked and unattractive, Chad has done nothing wrong…if you don’t count the meth in his shorts and his resistance to being arrested. In Chad’s defense, the police rarely seem ready to party. If I were all greased up and ready to go, I might want to take my party elsewhere too.

Like to a firehouse. Now those guys know how to party and cook a pot of chili. And Chad looks like a man who can appreciate a pot of chili.

Next we have James Crittendon.

James isn’t good with math but a genius with constitutional law and theology. (image via wave3)

James had a small mathematical problem at a local supermarket when he opened $23.90 worth of Reddi Whip, but only had $7 in his pants. It doesn’t take a math genius to figure out that Mr. Crittendon was a little light in his whipped cream funds. He was also huffing the Reddi Whip in the store, which they frown upon. However, he informed the authorities that he was huffing the cans to wake up, which the US Constitution gave him the authority to do.

I applaud his knowledge of the Constitution.

Later, James was arrested for lighting a toilet on fire at a convenience store. I would have assumed that he lit the toilet on fire because it’s the only way to adequately sanitize a convenience store bathroom, but James stated that it was actually due to religious reasons. My bad.

Unfortunately attendance is in the sh!tter and services at the Church of the Flaming Toilet have been suspended.

Now I wish I’d gotten around to taking theological studies in college. Is it the Jehovah’s Witnesses that believe in hell fire and brimstone in a commode or is that a Seventh Day Adventist thing?

Finally I present Andrew Toothman.

Nearly six feet of Reese’s peanut butter cup. (image via thesmokinggun.com)

Police found Andrew face down and completely covered in chocolate and peanut butter in a supermarket. He had apparently smashed through the glass door wearing nothing but boots. He then emptied all of the fire extinguishers and wrote “sorry” on the floor in NyQuil, which was thoughtful. And while breaking windows should generally be avoided, there is nothing wrong with covering yourself in chocolate and peanut butter…well unless you’re at my son’s preschool and that’s only because there are nut allergies and you should be considerate of other people’s food restrictions. But you could totally cover yourself in chocolate and be okay.

So I read these stories and it’s glaringly apparent to me that these men need each other.

Together these items promise better times and friendship. The same is true for unfortunate people.

For instance, if Andrew Toothman and his appropriated fire extinguishers had been present at the convenience store bathroom at the time of Mr. Crittendon’s religious service, he would have been extremely useful. Perhaps Mr. Crittendon could have even absolved Mr. Toothman of whatever he was feeling “sorry” about before the toilet service was extinguished.

Now add Chad Forber to the mix. You give Chad two friends who also carry food, one of whom understands the draw of traveling in the buff, add in Mr. Crittendon’s bonfire-building capabilities and you have yourself a cookout. In the event that they get into trouble again or catch a cold, they could all benefit from Mr. Crittendon’s knowledge of constitutional law and Mr. Toothman’s NyQuil.

All they need is each other. And a couple of items from the local supermarket.

But isn’t that what we all need? Like-minded individuals who understand us? Maybe that’s all that stands between us and an unflattering mug shot.

We’re so lucky we found each other.

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Knowledge Exchange

I like to think of the world as a community, a large, sometimes dysfunctional community, but a community nonetheless and what is a community for if not to provide people to whom we can feel superior from whose mistakes we can learn? One person’s mistakes are another person’s lessons. So here’s what I have to offer today in the way of lessons:

If you were thinking about packing a Tupperware container full of gooey macaroni and cheese and then leaving it in your refrigerator for an inordinate amount of time. Don’t. It will take on a life of its own, grow fur, but not the cuddly kind, and growl at you when you re-open the container. It will look and smell like a feral animal, but no amount of love and patience will tame that beast. It’s best just to put it down humanely.

This guy is never going to fetch you the paper. (image via dreamstime)

If the free sample of fabric softener that came in the mail is punctured and covered with gummy dried fabric softener and bits of disintegrating cardboard, you probably shouldn’t use it. The bear on the front looks cute, but he’s not responsible for the outcome of your laundry. And just touching the package will leave a permanent cloud of Springtime Freshness attached to your fingers, which, though it sounds pleasant enough, will become obnoxious when you are shoving beer or chocolate or any food item that is not Springtime Fresh in your mouth.

“That’s why I’m fed intravenously.” (image via drugstoredivas)

If you’re making yourself a healthy omelet in an effort to detox from the weekend’s culinary transgressions, you should probably not add half a bottle of olive oil to the pan.  Unless of course you’re vying for a spot in one of those internet articles, “Ten Healthy Items That Have More Fat Than A Cheese Burger.” I’m all for having goals, but eating a cheese burger would probably be more satisfying.

Dayamn! If that doesn’t look scrumptious! (image via melissaraydavis)

Don’t futz with a tried and true dessert recipe unless you are prepared to eat the whole thing yourself. Your family wants regular old graham crackers and the devil’s sugar in their Reese’s Peanut Butter bars. The addition of honey and flaxseed won’t please anyone unless you’re talking about a family of bears or children who’ve lived on a commune and never had dessert before.

And finally, do not under any circumstances, let Hubs take a sip of your beer. He sips like a freshman frat boy beer bongs. You’ll get your beer back half empty. You can try to put a positive spin on it by saying your beer is half full, but the bottom line is you still only have half a beer. And that’s sad. The kids won’t let him have a bite of their treats for exactly the same reason. In his mouth lies a vortex of consumption. You have been warned.

I hope these lessons have reached you in time. I couldn’t bear to think of you wandering around bewildered with hairy Tupperware and half a beer in your Springtime Fresh fingers. I don’t want anyone else to suffer needlessly. Because I care.

You’re welcome.