Once again the news has caught my attention, Reno news to be exact. Reno isn’t just Las Vegas’s ugly cousin. Many interesting things happen there. It’s a hub of excitement. And also a hub of martinis and video poker.
And juvenile delinquent mountain lions.
Evidently an underage mountain lion was caught trying to slip into the Harrah’s casino in downtown Reno before the breakfast rush last Friday morning. Scandalous. Especially since Harrah’s doesn’t have a breakfast buffet and Peg’s is really where you want to go for a quality breakfast. It’s a Reno institution. Duh. Somebody needs to tell that cougar about Yelp.
Then again maybe the mountain lion went to Harrah’s for the Beer Pong Tournament and a show. Master hypnotist Tyzen was appearing in a “suggestive adult revue,” which is a subtle way of saying that he was surrounded by girls with naked ta-tas. That seems like the type of thing an underage mountain lion would appreciate. Naked ta-tas look just like a breakfast buffet.
This guy Tyzen wears as much eyeliner as Criss Angel, has a cool Justin Beiber comb-over and does improv comedy to loud rock music. He also makes people bark like a dog which has got to be pretty hilarious for a wild cat fresh from the Beer Pong Tournament.
Alas, the approximately two-years old, 100 pound cat will never know Tyzen’s genius, because when it tried to walk into the casino it couldn’t negotiate the revolving door, which may be a sign that it was already drinking and would also explain why it didn’t understand the absence of a buffet.
Someone needs to track down who’s been serving underage mountain lions. That’s how Drew Barrymore got into trouble and aside from making Poison Ivy, she was relatively harmless. A mountain lion is not. Ask any chihuahua.
After failing to enter the revolving door, the cougar hid under an outdoor stage in a nearby plaza. I would guess that he was trying to drunk-dial an old girlfriend or eat Paris Hilton’s dog, Tinkerbell, which, though technically a mercy killing, is still disturbing.
Authorities tranquilized the mountain lion and released it into the wild after tagging it for participation in a University of Nevada, Reno study. They didn’t mention the nature of the study. Maybe they’re checking on the effects of revolving doors on mountain lion self-esteem. Not that they need a whole study on that. The answer is obvious. Would you feel good about yourself if you couldn’t make it through a revolving door and then ended up passed out on the local news? Me neither.
Nevada Department of Wildlife Spokesman, Chris Healy, called the young male cat’s behavior “almost the equivalent of being a stupid teenager,” which I think is a little harsh. Let’s be honest here, if this cat were really a stupid teenager, he would have hot-wired a car and took it for a joy ride or peed off a tall building. At the very least he would have tried to play a game of craps with a fake ID and score free drinks from a roving cocktail waitress. Mr. Healy has evidently never seen a Hollywood teenager in action. When that cougar has a sex tape and has rolled its car on Mulholland Drive, give me a call.
Seriously though, this story brings up some pertinent issues, especially because this is an election year and the state of America’s youth is at the forefront of our candidates’ campaigns, right behind the economy and foreign policy and oil and religion and gay marriage and hurricanes and female reproductive organs…well it’s in there somewhere. Perhaps the importance is more implied than actually discussed.
Regardless, instead of pointing fingers and slinging insults we should be focused on creating constructive activities for these animals, so that they don’t waste their time hanging out in casinos. Or maybe we need more revolving doors in the wild. Or more job opportunities. Or better education. Or lower taxes for felines. Or smaller government for bigger cats…
I’m just brain storming here.
I certainly don’t claim to have all of the answers. But this mountain lion is an American and it deserves a future. An American future. For Americans. Who are cats.