Animal Magnetism



Warren Michael III: animal lover (image via firstcoastnews)

Warren Michael III was pulled over in Clay County Florida after a sheriff witnessed Warren’s car cross a grass shoulder and nearly hit another car head on. Warren blamed his erratic driving on a pet squirrel in his shirt that was “eating him.” If I had a nickel for every time I heard the “squirrel in my shirt” excuse, am I right?

However, further investigation revealed that there was indeed a squirrel in Warren’s shirt. One might automatically assume that this would’ve given Warren a pass. I mean once you’ve been gnawed on by a rodent, aren’t you pretty much excused from any resulting erratic behavior? Apparently not. The sheriff gave Warren a field sobriety test despite the squirrel attack because Warren reeked of alcohol, had glassy, bloodshot eyes, was very talkative and using a lot of profanity.

Just so you know, that description implicates most of the people I worked with while living in New England and the entire town of Lowell Massachusetts. Shoot, I’d swear like a trucker if a rodent had mistaken me for a McRib sandwich.

However, in this instance, the sheriff made a good call when he asked Warren to secure the squirrel and exit the vehicle because Warren performed the sobriety test about as well as Amanda Bynes in a Home Depot parking lot.

“I don’t drink, I just get really disoriented in Home Depot.”

The report states that Warren appeared unsteady, leaning and swaying during the walk and grabbing the side of the truck to keep from falling over. He placed his foot down twice while trying to stand on one leg. He also forgot the directions, neglecting to count out loud while he performed each exercise.

Warren was charged with a DUI and not wearing a seat belt.

Hello! You can’t wear a seat belt when you have a squirrel in your shirt. You’d squish the squirrel! Duh. People don’t understand the complexities of inter-attire rodent transportation.

The squirrel was not charged with malicious nibbling or eating to endanger, which might demonstrate favoritism on the part of the sheriff, but I don’t like to cast stones at law enforcement. Casting stones can get you tazed.

I don’t think I have to tell you how disastrous this could have been. Thank God Warren didn’t stick the squirrel in his pants. I don’t know a man alive who wouldn’t have driven through a crowded playground to save his tree nuts.

In addition to dressing like Punky Brewster, this man clearly has a squirrel in his pants.

Warren and his girlfriend named the squirrel DUI (Dewie) in honor of Warren’s arrest, which sounds sweet until you realize that if the squirrel didn’t already have a name, it wasn’t actually a pet. Did Warren just pick up a random squirrel and shove it in his shirt? That hardly seems wise. What if the squirrel was claustrophobic or hypoglycemic or allergic to stupid humans? You’ve got to get to know a squirrel before you wear it.

You should also feed the thing before dropping it into your clothes and going for a drive. Or at least share your drinks. Then you’d have a really relaxed squirrel that would enjoy the drive a lot more.

Everyone knows that squirrels love to party. (image via dailypicksandflicks)

But then again, maybe you shouldn’t get your pets from your front yard. We’ve got some really cute raccoons that like to hang out in our yard but I’m not going to shove one in my shirt. I’ve seen what they can do to a garbage bag.

So Warren, if you’re reading this, please don’t take any more neighborhood wild animals for joy rides in your shirt. I’d hate for you to end up with a pet named Vehicular Homicide.


18 thoughts on “Animal Magnetism

  1. Awesome. At least the squirrel wasn’t on crack. I have posted on this growing menace to our society, but no one pays attention.

  2. WSW says:

    You cannot make this stuff up. Well you can, but no one would believe it. Except maybe Lindsay Lohan. But of course that’s a whole other can of crazy.

    • It does seem like there is a never ending supply of stupid out there, which is entertaining and terrifying at the same time. Society is doomed. Lindsay Lohan and cockroaches will be the only survivors.

  3. Helen says:

    Am I the only one that now has the song “Squirrels In My Pants!” stuck in her head? A song that was, coincidentally, sung by Amanda Bynes in Phineas and Ferb!

    Thank you for another great giggle!

  4. Fish Out of Water says:

    See, Florida. *sigh*

  5. What I want to know is where are Warren Michael Senior and Warren Michael Junior when you need them? Clearly, a guy named Warren Michael III is going places. Just because those places happen to be in locales that nobody in their right mind would set foot in is irrelevant.

  6. Jill Hoven says:

    You crack me up! Also, I’m trying to figure out how you find such hilarious photos; I don’t even WANT to know what other images come up if what you’re doing is Googling “guy with squirrel in pants” or “party squirrel.” 😉

  7. Thanks for the chuckle. I started to wonder how you keep finding such bizarre stories, then thought – this is America. It’s probably pretty easy.

  8. Allaire says:

    I have a vision of you sitting in a folding chair on the sidewalk in front of your house drinking a beer and waiting for a squirrel to commit vehicular suicide so you can take it’s picture. Of course you finished the beer first.

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