To Overprotect and Serve

Cops can be a little overprotective of their loved ones. It’s not their fault really. They see all kinds of horrifying things and automatically overlay the faces of their loved ones on the faces of the victims. It’s human nature, like nose picking.

(Look, let’s not lie to each other and pretend that we don’t all occasionally mine the nasal cavity. I think we’re beyond that point in our relationship.)

Anyway, Hubs sees disturbing things. Then he thinks about my giant noggin and how much he wants to keep it safe. After all it holds the secrets to which medicines and snack foods each of our children gets. Then he comes home and puts unfair restrictions on me, like telling me that I can’t take the kids and drive around South Central Los Angeles so that I can accurately describe the smell of ghetto in my unpublished work of genius that will one day pay for the kids’ college. Now tell me, how will I ever finish my future best seller without an accurate description of the olfactory qualities of ghettotude? It’s almost like he doesn’t want the kids to go to college.

“It smells like drivebys and Colt 45, you patronizing bourgeois biznitch.” (image via JonathanRosenbaum)

Anyway, yesterday Hubs came home from a long day of collecting parole violators and saw me lying on the kitchen floor with our son’s train set and my smart phone, taking pictures from different angles in order to best capture the joy that the train set could bring to a child who had not suddenly decided to outgrow trains between putting said train set on his/her Christmas list and discovering it under the tree. This hypothetical child’s parents are probably combing Craig’s List in search of an affordable train set right this minute, because they can’t afford to purchase one from Toys”R”Us since they both lost their jobs at the coal mine. Are there coal mines in Southern California? Maybe they worked at the Cheesecake Factory. Either way, it’s heartbreaking.

I explained this to Hubs who promptly told me that he didn’t want me to use Craig’s List because serial killers and child predators cruise it to find unsuspecting housewives for their next victims. Hubs apparently didn’t fully grasp the selflessness of my intentions–that for a mere $20 (or best offer) I could bring joy to an underprivileged train lover and his/her economically burdened parents. Such selflessness transcends personal danger. Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil…except boys named Damien who bear the mark of the beast, because I saw The Omen and there’s no way I’m selling a train set to a kid who is pure evil. That would be irresponsible.

“Mommy didn’t get me a train set so I threw her off the balcony.” (image via

I helpfully explained that I was avoiding the sociopaths on Craig’s List by omitting “sensual massage” from the product description of my ad. Hubs was not amused. I offered to include “toy comes from a non-smoking, gun-filled household.” Hubs didn’t find that comforting either.

I had no choice but to launch into the speech wherein I explain that I survived 30 years before meeting Hubs because I make extremely good decisions (except for occasionally in my teens and twenties, a fact that I don’t include in my speech because it doesn’t support my argument). I further explained that because I now tote around two dependents and am more burdened informed about the dangers lurking everywhere I am even more cautious and observant in my day to day dealings. Plus I just watched two Steven Seagal movies back to back that were filmed before Steven got fat and started exclusively wearing those Chinese jackets. I’m more in danger, statistically speaking, riding in the passenger seat of Hubs’s decrepit jeep while he practices his agro New England driving skills.

“Are you making fun of my size and fashion choices? I’m going to take off my beautiful jacket and kick your ass.” (image via wikipedia)

I deliver this speech periodically when Hubs starts to worry about the safety of my plans. It does nothing to waylay his concerns but I like to occasionally deliver the speech anyway because I enjoy hearing myself talk. I finally put Hubs at ease by promising not to let anyone come to the house without Hubs’s armed presence. Sometimes Hubs just wants he and his weapon to be included.

Honestly, it’s exhausting to be so well protected. It’s almost enough to make a girl want to shop the Walmart Black Friday super sale with an open fanny pack or go to a Burning Man festival in a Romney/Ryan t-shirt as a part of a midlife rebellion.

Just kidding. I mean it’s not like I have a death wish.

10 thoughts on “To Overprotect and Serve

  1. At first when I read the title, my eyes played a trick on me and I saw “To Overserve and Protect,” which would likely be a completely different post.

    You may want to consider deleting the phrases “Women Looking for Men,” “Mr. Rogers,” and “Tom Cruise” from your Craig’s List tags as well. Not that they’re in there, but just in case you’re thinking about including any of of them…

    Best of luck selling your train set. If Hubs is lurking behind a bush when the your first potential buyer walks up the sidewalk, you may need it.

    • WSW says:

      I love the term “over serve” and would like to be both over protected and over served, though not by Tom Cruise, mostly because I’m not sure he could reach the top shelf of the bar, and really who wants to get all excessive with well drinks, anyway? 😉

      • Poor Tom. I’m giggling at his expense and now I’ll probably be sued by the Church of Scientology. But what can I say, you’ve got a point and short jokes are funny.

    • So I shouldn’t have gone with “woman with a sweet caboose, seeking potential conductor?” Crap. I guess it’s a good thing Hubs is going to do a body cavity search on all potential customers over the age of 10.

  2. Carrie Rubin says:

    I’m sure it’s hard for your hubby not to project what he sees every day onto his family. It can be the same way in medicine–only minus the danger. 🙂 Hopefully you can work out a balance, one that doesn’t end up with you leaving the house fully armed and ready for combat. 🙂

  3. krista says:

    girl, i’m totally with your hubs on this one. craigslist scares the crap out of me.

    • I agree that Craig’s List can be scary, which is why I’m very careful with it. However as it turns out, it’s a moot point because not even the psychos want our train set. Maybe our train set can bring joy to the victims of Sandy. DOES NO ONE WANT THIS GLORIOUS TRAIN SET???

  4. Jill Hoven says:

    LOL! One day his overprotective instincts will come in very handy: like when your kiddos start dating (though I’m sure you wield a mean baseball bat, it’s always good to have a cop as backup!). Can’t wait to hear how that goes… 😉

    • Our entire neighborhood is gearing up for that event. I’ve actually been approached by a couple of neighborhood teens that want to watch the introductions before our daughter’s first date.

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